Harry Potter : The Real Thing
by The Walking Contradiction
Summary: A lightning fast and comical take on the real story of Harry Potter. Not meant to be taken seriously.


** Lily and James have proved their love to each other. Again. James is now in the bathroom, and Lily is burrowed under the covers. **

James: Hey, uh, babe?

Lily: What?

James: I think the condom broke.

Lily: ...what do you mean it _broke?_

Jame: I mean it broke. -proud grin-

Lily: OMGWTFBBQ YOU IDIOT!

** Three months later. Now James is burrowed under the covers and Lily is in the bathroom. **

Lily: This is all your fault. ALL your fault. I hate you.

James: What? So you threw up a little. At least you can eat all you want and people can't bitch about it.

Lily: I. Hate. You.

James: Oh, c'mon, having a baby won't be so bad. It might be kind of cool.

Doorbell: -does its doorbell thing-

James: Someone's at the door.

Lily: Ya think?

Dumbledore: -lets himself in- Hello, James, Lily. Just thought I'd drop by for a spot of tea. Are you busy? Good. So there's this prophecy and Lord Voldemort wants to kill you both and your unborn child. Oh, look at the time. Must dash!

James: ...

Lily: ... I REALLY HATE YOU. -slams bathroom door-

** A week later. **

James: OH COME ON LILY. They do that..thing..where you can get rid of it, don't they?

Lily: It's not a _cold_, James. I can't just take medicine and have it go away.

James: Sure you can! Here, have a clothes hanger!

Lily: ...

** Enough months later. Lily is holding baby Harry, James is squirming at the foot of the bed. **

James: That. was. disgusting.

Lily: Shut up. He's cute.

James: ...if you like that shriveled alien look.

Lily: -glare-

James: KIDDING. Let me hold him.

** Hot potato Harry. Wee.. **

James: Hello there little ball of bouncing joy that's going to be the death of us all. Hi! Kootchy kootchy koo!

** Halloween. A year later. **

James: LILY! HE PISSED ON ME!

Lily: HAHA. That's my boy.

James: -whine- Liiiily.

Lily: You know where the diapers are.

James: Did you hear that?

Lily: Hear what?

James: Take him.

Lily: No, James, change his diaper.

James: -wanders over to a window- Oh. Hm. Voldielocks is here. Take Harry upstairs, go.

** Lily takes the wet diapered Harry upstairs. James opens his door to greet Voldemort. **

James: HEY! Look who it is! How are you Voldie, ol' man, ol' pal, long time no see. How are you?

Voldemort: Where's the --

James: Oy. You really should have your eyes looked at. Conjunctivitis, is it?

Voldemort: Actually, now that you mention it --- what? asdfadsfhg NO.

**Voldemort proceeds with Avada Kedavra'ing James's ass. Then goes upstairs. **

Stairs: -creak-

Voldemort: Shit.

Lily: Uh..

Voldemort: HEY THERE.

Lily: ...hi?

Voldemort: Get out of the way so I can kill your kid.

Lily: How about no?

Voldemort: Yes.

Lily: No.

Voldemort: Please?

Lily: No.

Voldemort: YES.

Lily: No.

Voldemort: YES.

Lily: Okay.

Voldemort: REALLY?

Lily: No.

Voldemort: Bitch.

Lily: Wanker.

Voldemort: MOVE.

Lily: -dances-

Voldemort: -ROAR-

Lily: ... -blinks-

Voldemort: -Avadas her ass too-

Harry: WAAAAAH.

Voldemort: -Avadas his ass-

Harry: -gigglesnort-

Voldemort: What the --

** Fantastic green light bounces off of Harry and smacks Voldemort between the eyes. Harry laughs. The house kind of falls apart a little bit. **

** YEEEEARS later. Harry is at the Department of Mysteries. Voldemort is..somewhere close behind.**

**Behind the Veil**

Lily: SHHH, you two! Someone is coming.

James & Sirius: -waits-

Harry: -goes through the Veil-

James: OH, it's YOU. Christ. We thought it'd be Remus or Dumbledore or something.

Harry: Err.

Lily: Hello, there.

Harry: Hi?

Lily: What are you doing in here?

Harry: .. I don't know.

James: Well, son, you've royally fucked things up this time. Royally. You've got me and your mother killed. Cedric. Sirius...

Lily: -mumbles- Knew I shouldn't have saved his ass.

Harry: I...

Voldemort: LUCY, I'M HOME. -enters-

Harry: ...-LOSES HIS SHIT-

Cedric: -stares- Fuck this shit, man.

James: CHRIST ON A CRACKER. At least I died like a man!

Sirius: James, man, I swear I only liked him cause he looked like you. Your son's a real pussy, mate.

James: -sulks-

Lily: Don't look at me. He only has my eyes.

Voldemort: Right. Reunion. Um. Sorry about that whole murder thing.

Lily/James: -glare-

Sirius: -hums-

Everyone: -stares at Sirius-

Sirius: Whaaat? Bellabitch killed me.

Voldemort: Now I'm going to have to kill Harry.

James/Sirius/Lily: WHAT? No. YOU CAN'T.

Harry: -beams-

James: We don't want HIM in here!

Harry: -deflates-

Lily: Er. Nothing personal?

Harry: -shuffles feet-

Voldemort: No time. No time.

** Duel of the century follows. Wheehaw. **

Sirius: -munches on popcorn- AIM FOR HIS ANKLE! HIS ANKLE!

Lily: -stare- He's not Achilles, Sirius.

James: -slurps loudly on a soda- Well. It couldn't hurt.

Harry: -duelduelduelduel-

Voldemort: -duelduelduelduel-

Lily: Rah rah rah! Go, Harry, go!

James&Sirius: -stare-

Lily: The power he knew not of. Shut up. I know what I'm doing. -proceeds to cheer-

James: -is fascinated by Lily's splits-

Harry: -kills Voldemort-

Everyone: -is surprised IMEANECSTATIC-

The story: -ends happily ever after-


End file.
